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  • #37644
    October 7-10, 2009

    I’m bored.

    I don’t have a job or anything really to stop me from drinking.

    Maybe I’m not really an alcoholic. I’m making a big deal about nothing. I’m missing out on the simple pleasures in life by being over dramatic.

    I’ll just go and get a liter this time… I’ll measure out how strong I make the drinks. I’ll make it last for a week at least.

    I’ll only have it at night- I won’t wake up in the mornings and drink more to rid of the hangover. I’ll not drink enough to create a hangover.

    I can do it this time. I’ll prove myself wrong.

    What the **** am I doing?

    WHY am I driving to the liquor store?

    Silent tears.

    I have already decided that I’m going to drink.

    There is nothing I can do to stop it now. I’m going.

    I better call and see if I have money left on my card……. Only 2 dollars.


    Thank God.

    God prevented me from making that stupid decision.

    Thank God.

    I’ve gotta figure out a way to get a few dollars …

    I just want to relax and enjoy myself.

    10 dollars. Smokes, a pint…

    I may as well go ahead and buy the liter. It’s only a couple dollars more. I can get the money out of my son’s piggy bank and then return the money- even more money than I took … when some money comes in.

    I gotta make the drive worth it, right?

    What have I become…

    What are you DOING in here???? The smell is horrid. Everyone is staring at you. They all know. Don’t make eye contact.

    Get out as quickly as possible.

    Smoke, smoke, smoke…

    Blast the radio, roll the window down… don’t allow the thoughts to make you feel bad.

    ENJOY it while it lasts, because it’s gonna hurt bad later.

    There it is. Sitting in front of me. Half vodka, half energy drink.

    It smells horrible.

    It sits there for a few minutes staring at me.

    What are you DOING? DRINK it! ENJOY IT!

    That tastes terrible. My tummy hurts. Where is that high?

    I must drink more.

    The glass is empty.

    Again, half vodka half juice. Apple juice this time because it’s all I have. This tastes absolutely horrible.

    But I’m feeling happy. I’m relaxing. I’m laughing and loving it.

    Oh no I have to pick up my son.

    ‘Dad can you….. I’m not feeling well. I’m afraid I may have the flu…..’

    Why is my son not with me?

    What time is it?

    What day is it?

    How can I hide it? I’m not sick with bronchitis and the flu at home.

    I’m just running out of vodka.

    I have no money.

    I miss my baby.

    How many days have passed?

    I’m shaky.



    I have to admit it. I can’t stand it anymore.

    He’s not angry. He’s hurt.

    He’s terrified for my health.

    The shame is almost unbearable.

    He only wants me to heal.

    Why won’t he just be MAD at me? Why?

    I feel so awful. I just want to comfort him and know that he believes me when I say I’m done this time for real….


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