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    Someone who is an alcoholic help me understand this:
    Here’s where i’m not getting past:
    What happened to all the plans he made with me when he wasn’t drinking? what happened to all the things he said to me about how happy i made him and how much he loved me. Were they lies? How do you just walk away from all of that? did i really make him SO angry by bringing up the fact that i was worried about him drinking again that he could throw all of that away and walk out on me? I don’t understand. And i’m not being able to move forward bc i’m so confused. and Hurt. and just don’t get it. It’s like i know what i need to do, but i can’t get over this wall bc those thoughts keep pulling me back down. I know i need to stop living my life for him, but how can i not take it personally that i wasn’t important enough? so did he never mean those things? Does he just hate me now so much bc i brought alcohol up that he can turn all of those feelings he had off just like that? Please someone. help me understand, bc i don’t know how much longer i can take this pain.


    Why ? Because he’s an alcoholic.

    Did he mean it ? I don’t know the situation well enough to answer. I know when I said those things, I really wished they’d come true. I wanted them to be true.

    And yes, alcoholics are very sensitive, especially when their drinking is brought up,


    As an alcoholic who walked away from one of the best people that ever could have been part of my life, I will share what my thoughts were.

    When we are in our bottle we are there because we don’t know where else to go. We are ashamed that we can’t control the very thing that others seem to have no problem with. I knew I was better than the person I was when drinking. It was just as simple as those who loved me said, “Just stop drinking.” I couldn’t! I didn’t know why, God knows my intentions were to stop, and someone who loved me telling me what I already knew just infuriated me. Not because they were wrong, but because it only served to highlight my weakness in my mind and confirm that I was out of control. It scared me and chilled me to the very core of my being. I lashed out and yes, walked out, on that special person BECAUSE I COULDN”T WALK OUT ON ME!!!

    When an alcoholic is drinking we are sick and totally self absorbed. We don’t mean to be, but if we were rational in our thoughts and actions then it wouldn’t be a disease and an addiction. It isn’t that we don’t care about those around us, we just get lost in ourselves.

    If we are lucky we seem to have a moment of total clarity when the desire to be rid of the demons is greater than the desire to try and hide from them and ourselves. It is then that we begin to try and help ourselves. Sometimes with the right approach and the help of others who understand what and who we are, (in my and many others case that was and is AA), we can and do get sober. Statistics will tell you that it is a long shot at best.

    Take care of yourself and realize that he isn’t turning his back on you and your dreams and what you are worth to him. He is running away from himself, and that really just isn’t possible. We are both ashamed and without thoughts for those around us at the same time. If he decides that he has to get sober for himself, then maybe just maybe, he will be able to return to you. In the interim live your life and hope he decides to try and reclaim his.



    I suggest you find Al anon meetings and read
    “Co Dependent No More” by M. Beattie

    You did not cause his drinking
    You can not control or cure it.

    No matter what my intentions were
    alcohol came first and so nothing positive happened.



    I made one whole heck of a lot of promises.

    I sincerely ment most every one at the time I promised.

    Problem was, booze was more important, so the promises got pushed to the wayside.

    Plowed away by the need to drink.

    So the promises were broken causing guilt and shame. The bigger the promises, the greater the guilt, shame, and remorse.

    So I drank more, trying to bury the guilt, shame, and remorse. Of course, this only made it worse.

    Worse, and worse, and worse, spirling down into dispair.

    Of course, there were the promises I made to get someone off my back, or just to get them to leave me alone for a while so I could drink in peace. The promises that were hollow as the wind.

    Do you think you could have kept ME from drinking?

    No-one could. Oh they tried, but to no avail.

    You can’t control me, you couldn’t have controlled my drinking, you didn’t make me an alcoholic,

    And the same holds true for ‘him’.

    What Carol said…


    I just found these posts in response to something i wrote a long time ago. I thought it never got posted, for some reason. So I am just now reading your responses. I thank you all so much for your feedback. Still today I am struggling so much with unanswered questions. He has never responded to me. I have emailed him several times to ask him how he is, or how he is doing, and nothing. I just don’t get what i’ve done that was so bad that he can’t even respond. Its very hard. Thank you all so much.


    For me it was the disease. I really started to understand this when I went to rehab and also went to their Al-Anon program (I am an adult child of an alcoholic). I really started to understand about the addict/alcoholic voice.

    My thoughts are with you.


    But why absolutely NO contact what so ever after two years? Why would he completely and totally just ignore me? Is it the guilt he feels? And if so, i thought he was incapable of feeling ANYTHING? I’m so confused and i don’t understand how he could just POOF! disappear after so long. Was I that much of a threat to his drinking? I only brought it up three times total in our whole relationship. He said he liked to be alone better. was i really that bad? Or is it because he wanted the freedom to drink? DOn’t alcoholics get lonely for companionship?!


    cdk I didn’t get lonely for companionship – I had my companion – my alcohol. I was never lonely because I had no thought of anything else.
    I drank alone, I never drank in pubs and I never drank when there were people around as I didn’t want to make a fool of myself, so I isolated. I pushed everyone I loved away, and everyone who tried to help me. If I was on my own I was responsible to no-one for my actions. I ended up sitting in my home, on my own, not answering the door, the phone or worrying about how anyone else felt, especially those who were trying to help me.
    I’m sorry to say it was the way I was, and I could only get out of the cycle when I wanted to.
    You can’t take responsibility for his actions, you just have to know you tried to help him, and just pray he gets the message.
    God bless


    that was so helpful. Thank you so much. It makes sense. He does not go out, either. Besides work, (he’s a cop) he stays home and drinks alone. YOu made so much sense. Now i just have to accept that, don’t I?


    You can try reading in the family and friends section of 12 Step National Meetings.

    The answers is obviouse, but it not the normal answers you expect
    to hear. Yes, the drink is more important than you.
    Yes, that why there’s AA and Al-anon..
    becuase it’s that bizard.

    If you really think about it…it would be a constant struggle
    in the relationship if you’re constantly just trying to get the
    bare minimun from your partner of being available.
    A person in active addiction or alcoholism is too absorb with
    the drink and the drugs..on top of being too self absord with
    themselves to really honestly be considerate of others…
    yes, especailly the ones the loves them the most becuase
    the alki assume their partners are caretakers and not their partners.
    The more thier partners enable…the better.

    You can say that you love someone, but do you really mean it ?
    with alcoholism..You can say that you love some one.
    there’s no doupt that my GF loves me…the probelms is…she dosen’t care for me.
    There’s is a distink different of loving someone and caring for someone.

    It’s call the Dr jackle and Mrs Hyde routine.
    My gf was probably sincere when she says stuff
    but the damn rountine drove me crazy.

    Be greatful that it’s a clean break, you might not appriciate
    it now becuase, you had just been abandent..but you’ve been
    abandent mentally and emotionally anyway.

    I’m sorry you’re going through it. The feeling I was getting
    was that of something I can’t resovled. Un resovled anger
    or closure. So i go insane trying to figure it out…what did
    I do that was so wrong and second guessing myself.

    Please be gentle with yourself. A break up is hurtful wheather
    you’re in the right or wrong. if you feel angery..process your
    anger..if you feel like crying, cry.
    But don’t beat up yourself

    it just feels wierd that’s all. You’re waiting of your xbf to make you happy
    or his response. Bascailly somewhere alone the line you put your life on hold.
    You put your happiness on hold and you happened to let an alki take over the steering
    wheel. Just know the ball is in your court. You have to power to take your life back.


    Thank you for your honesty. Everyone helps me more than you can imagine.


    @cdk1972 1473235 wrote:

    did i really make him SO angry by bringing up the fact that i was worried about him drinking

    ♠ Well,some people(used to sound like me) can’t look truth in the face. Denial, the only thing that is different thing is my wife is by my side to help me through this ♠


    One of the things that we learn in our quest for serenity is that we can’t explain why people do what they do. We can do a lot of finger pointing at Alcohol here, but the truth is that we will never know. Any time spent trying to figure it out is time spent walking down a road that doesn’t go anywhere. Since there isn’t anything you can do about yesterday the best advise I can give here is to find a way to close this chapter in your life and move on.


    I was a cop for 30 years,,drank the first half . Been sober 18 years…He seems typical of COP drinkers. We drink to kill the pain of truthfull living. Drinking is just the tip of the iceburg. Somewhere in his early life he did not learn normal coping skills…thus the bottle. Should his department learn of his drinking problem they might force some program on him, suspend him maybe fire him…seen it all done.
    Get yourself some serious help…you cannot do anything for him short of a major intervention.

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