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- May 27, 2016 at 12:32 pm#39384AnonymousInactive
I am going to try (again) to stop slowly destroying myself. After 3 years of hell (and I hope I don’t offend anyone or break any forum rules….I don’t mean to when I do. I can be blunt sometimes….) of living in this apartment that is SURROUNDED by bars, liquor stores and other places to buy liquor….we are moving to a beautiful place on the lake. It is nowhere NEAR a bar or a liquor store…or ANY store for that matter. I am hoping to use this other change…the move….as a sort of catalyst to help facilitate my second try and sobriety.
I guess I WILL bore ya’ll with a brief synopsis of “my story”:
I was raised by two drunks…..very violent drunks. I won’t go into the gory details….but one can only imagine what it was like. My mother’s schizophrenia was exacerbated by her heavy drinking. ANYHOW…..I didn’t drink hardly at ALL through-out my 20’s and early 30’s. After suffering from endometriosis (and severe abdominal pain) from age 15…I became an abuser of pain medications for a few years in my late 20’s (maybe 4 or 5 years until I kicked that habit). It was “easy” to kick THAT habit because the pain meds were starting to make me violently ill. I didn’t begin to drink until about age 32. My current husband is a heavy drinker and we had a LOT of good times in the first 5 years of our marriage. Then….I started to have to have surgeries……2 major ones back to back…including a hysterectomy in 2006. I went insane….no literally insane for the first year or so due to the hormonal imbalances, (I was “locked up” in the mental hospital twice). Then in 2008, my 38 year old brother died in his sleep…..from mixing alcohol with a new psychiatric medication. He had been an alcoholic for years and we had not spoken at all for over 10 years. After his death, I REALLY started to drink. HEAVILY. By New Years of 2009, my husband gave me the ultimatum, “Stop or I’m leaving”. (I would get nasty and mean now when I got drunk….no longer the happy, fun drinking partner….). Rehab was a joke and I guess I didn’t really take it seriously because I felt I was being FORCED. (I am gong to miss the “EL” if I don’t wrap this up……so….)
To shorten this up…I need to stop drinking again….this time for good and for REAL. I am now having seizures once a month like a werewolf (They come at the full moon). This has been going on over a year. I shake…I get neuropathy (my fingers and toes tingle like they’re “asleep” all the time. I get confused easily and am getting a pot belly. (I am only 43…too young for middle aged issues….)
I am ALSO afraid that I am too messed up mentally to do this alone….but I cannot STAND psychiatry….and I am also a hard core atheist…(seizures convinced me of my belief here…)
DANG IT…..I am out of time. I guess I am reaching out for help….something I RARELY, if EVER do……
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