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  • #43123

    Hello All,

    I’ve posted here before a couple of times, and read here every day.

    Here’s how I used to be, and still fantasize about being:
    •A high-achiever
    •Articulate and sociable
    •Healthy, eating well and exercising
    •Neat and tidy

    Here’s how I am:
    •Drink vodka every evening alone (except when I am at my boyfriend’s, where I drink with him) smoking
    •At entry level in my company and never been promoted (and worked there for 12 years)
    •Isolated – communicate with the few friends left only ‘virtually’
    •No interest in anything, no drive, numb
    •Eat the same thing every day for more years than I can remember, no exercise, don’t clean, no interest in clothes…
    •Forgotten how to converse – forget everything

    I’ve only realised in the last month or so that drinking like this for most of my adult life (I’m 37, so about 17 years) is why the first set of bullets above has become the second set. In other words, alcohol does not only have immediate consequences when you are drinking it (and doesn’t even have those for me – nothing dramatic ever happened) – it has subtle, gradual, devastating, imperceptible long-term consequences on every aspect of your life, including the parts that don’t involve actually drinking.

    I believe that alcohol itself prevented me from seeing this.

    This morning I had my weekly session with my counsellor – who I proactively undertook to see due to, er, the numbness and static nature of my life. At the end of the session, she staged a mini intervention. She told me that unless I stop drinking I am wasting my time with her, nothing will change or advance. She told me that it is bad and serious and unhealthy. She wants me to see a psychiatrist specialised in this, and maybe even go to a clinic – whatever it takes. Bye bye all my ‘it’s not that bad’ thoughts.

    I am shocked and I am scared. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I hadn’t realised already what she said. But… this is REAL. The issue has been forced. It’s out there. There’s no place to hide. And I don’t know myself or even remember much of myself before I was 20.

    Thanks for reading and I would love to read any thoughts anyone has.


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