Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #27726
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Except for this damn feeling of fatique, and overall lack of energy. Things are getting better, but its such a slow process!! Anyways, in the past month… i’d say i’ve used about 4 times. I have broken out of the 3-4 day mark/cycle, and have seemed to have lengthened the time in-between uses. I am managing around 6-7 days now. So almost double the time in which I use to. I still think im stuck in withdrawals. Not extreme w/d by any means, but still an overall sense of anxiety, trembling, inability to think clearly, etc. I do know that this time I will be pushing it PASSED the 7 day mark, and will try and make an informed decision about my drug use at that point. I’ll go as long as I need have to, and do this!

    Trying to kick this O.C. habit is a real pain in my ass. I havent been happy, or have had a sense of overall comfort/relaxation in about 3 months i’d say. Looking back, the summer was crap. Drug use really took its toll on my sense of well-being, emotional stability, communication skills, and anything else thats important to a 21 yr old. I still lack a sense of well-being, and thats where I think my overall anxiety comes from. I’m anxious to go through my day, wondering if I’m gonna do something stupid, or how I will use up the abundance of free-time I have. It’s really stupid if you ask me.

    Overall, I do feel better. But is that even saying much? I’ve become best-friends with the feelings u get in withdrawal. It’s almost as if I dont expect happiness anymore. Like i’ve ruined it for myself. Like the chemicals in my brain, or my brain for that matter will never be the same as it used to be. Back when I was a care-free, happy-go-lucky, talk-to-anyone, do stupid things because it’s funny type of guy. Now, i shy away from people, and tremble in their prescence. Inside, I just feel broken. If anyone knows it or not, or if they can see it on the outside. I’m sure they can.

    And ya know what? I’ve appeared to have developed a sense of loneliness, too. I mean, if everything else piling up wasn’t enough, now I’m lonely. I hate having to go to classes all alone, without anyone to talk to. I just go from class to class, doing my thing, and then return home. Even with my few-friends that I have here I still just… feel alone. I see everyone smiling and laughing with each other, and then theres me. Minding my own business, out of my hometown, dont know anybody, and anxious.

    Who knows where this stems from. I really dont know. I see all these people as I walk-by and its as if they are ridiculing me with their eyes. Mean looks I tell ya! Some people just aren’t very nice, especially to a stranger who walks or drives by. But it just adds up to the already feeling of inadequacy, loneliness, without a girlfriend, or anyone. I think i just need a girlfriend. But that makes me nervous too, because when I was cheated on by my ex-gf of 2 years… 2 years ago… thats what propelled me into drug use. And i’m afraid of doing anything like that again, in fear, that I will get my heart ripped out again. Girls can be so heartless sometimes.

    I trully do think my problems come from opiate addiction. I heard someone say that being addicted to opiates is like removing the color from the world. And I trully feel that I’ve lost all form of my color, and the color of the world that once made me happy to be a part of.

    I’m such a sad-case… clearly. But I hope, for the sake of my life, that the color will eventually come back. I hope it does… God do I hope. I’m rotting away living like this.

    #107059
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Stonespike, My 20 year old daughter is an Oxy addict. I give you credit for keeping up your college. She tried. Made it last fall. Didn’t go winter. Took one Spring class. Was supposed to go to CMU this fall, but her addiction became so bad she decided not to go. She goes through much the same that you do, the isolating, the depression, feeling separate and different from other people. She has anxiety and told me she used just to feel normal, not to get really high. All I can say is keep going, one day at a time. I look at my daughter who was once a beautiful, sweet, extremely intelligent girl and see such a waste of a life. Don’t give up. I only wish that she had your willingness to make her life better.

    #107057
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Stone,

    Your brain can and will heal . . . if you let it.

    You’ve got to put down the dope. When you put down and pick up again your brain never really gets the chance to adjust back to normal. Part of the withdrawal includes anhedonia – the feeling that you have lost your capacity for joy. This is a TEMPORARY bio-chemical reaction and for the time being it is a delusion. “This too shall pass.”

    You are going to feel like crap for awhile. I don’t think there is any way to avoid it. But take some comfort in the fact that it is only temporary and you WILL feel better with time. I used for at least 8 years and I began to feel tolerable after 3-4 weeks and about normal in twice that time.

    You are in a battle. Recognize the enemies: 1) depression; 2) lack of energy; 3) mental fog; 4) physical symptoms (e.g. diarrhea); 5) anhedonia; 6) anxiety; 7) mental anguish and pain; and 8) boredom. When you meet an enemy along the way, kill it. Once you have recognized and conquered any of them (by not picking up again) you will be stronger and you will be on your way to victory.

    Many agree that exercise can help you feel better immediately.

    Addiction is a constellation of behaviors – taking drugs is just one (visible) aspect. It’s a spiritual crisis. Sometimes it’s about personal insecurity or not liking who you think you are.

    Your best chance for success is to recognize that there are other aspects of your life that need work to grow and be healthy and fully functional (along with quitting the dope).

    I have found group meditation practice to be really helpful. It silences the distracting mental chatter (Buddhists like the western mind to a drunken monkey!) and gives us a chance to begin to heal from inside out. But it does take work and committment to get there.

    Meditation helps a lot with anxiety and insomnia, too.

    Can you counsel with anyone? Is NA or AA an option? I recommend that you connect with a caring person or group to help you out of your reticence. They will provide comfort and support. Don’t worry – You can regain your social skills with a little practice and perhaps some guidance.

    Good luck,

    Buzz

    #107056
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Overall, I do feel better. But is that even saying much? I’ve become best-friends with the feelings u get in withdrawal. It’s almost as if I dont expect happiness anymore. Like i’ve ruined it for myself. Like the chemicals in my brain, or my brain for that matter will never be the same as it used to be. Back when I was a care-free, happy-go-lucky, talk-to-anyone, do stupid things because it’s funny type of guy. Now, i shy away from people, and tremble in their prescence. Inside, I just feel broken. If anyone knows it or not, or if they can see it on the outside. I’m sure they can.

    I felt a lot as you describe when I started in my recovery. My brain needed time to adjust to new feelings including the feeling of people around me. I did start to get used to it again, and later realized that on top of having these feelings naturally (because I had hid them in so long), the drugs had stopped them so when I started getting clean I was awash in the simply ability to feel. And not all feelings are good. At first, the feelings were generally bad because I was coming off the emotional rollercoaster of using and all the negtive things that entailed. It did get better over time.

    #107060
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Stonespike,
    I am pretty much in your situation. Was clean for 6 weeks then relapsed only to be using little bit here and little bit there. Never going more than a couple of days without something.
    I went to a counselor last week and he basically said, when you finally decide enough is enough you will make a full comittement. Bad part for me is I just can’t seem to make the leap. I am so afraid to throw out my stash and say: NO MORE, FOREVER!!! This scares the helll out of me.

    #107054
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey,,

    You are doing a great thing by continuing college. That is wonderful.
    You don’t want these darn drugs to control the rest of your life, and stone,
    they won’t. If you can just keep them out of your system, just like Buzz is talking about, and let your brain, body heal from them, I really believe that we regain what is a “normal” life. Yes, whatever “normal” is.. But a much better life than what we have while abusing, or using any kind of drug.

    You are getting there. It is hard.. We have abused our minds, or bodies, our brains, and really I feel my soul, ( just in the things I did to get those things),
    it takes time to heal all of that. But it’s hard to allow that time to heal, we want it healed now, and why wouldn’t we, it’s hard to suffer.. But it seems things that are good in life are well worth suffering for.

    You can do this stone. We are here for you.. Please, just keep posting, and keep taking this one day at a time. Don’t use. Go get help, as much help as you can get. That’s what it takes for alot of us.

    I am here with you.. I truly care, so do the others..:Val004:

    I understand what you are saying when you talk about how others treat you.
    But I am learning that it is really my self-esteem issues that make me feel that way. My self-esteem plays tricks with my mind, and tells me that others don’t like me, and that they are looking at me weird, and that no one wants to be my friend, and that I am alone. But really, it’s not the truth. The truth is that, we are good people, and people will like us, but we have to first give people a chance to like us. We tend to be loners.. I had to change that about me, and I haven’t completely yet, but I am working on it.

    I wasn’t shy, and I had a ton of friends, until I started to use drugs. That’s when things got really bad for me. I lost most of my friends, because I stayed away from them for so long. I became someone else, I became shy, I didn’t like myself anymore. But this was all due to my drug abuse. Maybe you can relate to some of it? Any of it?

    Anyway, just remember, we care.. Keep on keepin on.. You can do this.. You really can. The longer you do, do it, the better life will get, but it takes time..

    Prayers,,
    Becky

    #107063
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Stonespike and Notkernels
    You are both in the same situation as my son only he hasn’t made any decision to stop, I fear he won’t. The last time I knew where he was (jail) and talked to him, I told him (as Angel girl said) I believe he has damaged his soul.. Very scary and not easy to repair…
    He is 21 living on the streets of Toronto and in and out of jail, he started with opiates, then graduated to heroin and now gets what he can!
    He is also on Methadone which is I hear is even harder to get off than the drugs themselves.
    Stonespike from what I have read this will pass, but it will take time. I am so proud of you for doing it and you will be too one day, I promise just hold on…..
    Notkernels my son is also afraid and can’t say never again. but I believe you are ready and can do it one day one step at a time…
    Please guys hold on…. pray for strength…
    ccrew

    ccrew

    #107055
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Many people make it out alive. Sounds like you are well on your way to being done with that $hit. It does take some time to get things together in your head. Good luck with it.

    Don’t do dope.

    #107061
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Still working on my recovery.

    I havent used since August 19th, 2006.

    #107062
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    And thank you all for your very positive posts. Positivity is what I need right now. More than drugs.

    #107064
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    good for you Stone – keep up the good work, and the schooling as well. No words of wisdom from me as I only have in about as much time as you do. And like you – it’s the lack of energy and ambition that I am now having the most trouble with.
    Stick with it and maybe we’ll both be still here in a few months giving great advice to newcomers!!!!!!:)

    #107058
    Anonymous
    Inactive
    stonespike wrote:
    Still working on my recovery.

    I havent used since August 19th, 2006.

    Awesome, Dude!

    No doubt the worst is over. After another week you’ll be coasting. There may be some bumps in the road but keep your eye on the prize and full speed ahead!

    Buzz

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.