- This topic has 32 replies, 19 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.
- August 14, 2012 at 2:15 pm#27686AnonymousInactive
Well, here I am. Starting again at day one. I’m taking these stupid pills the doctor gave me. Suppose to curve your craving to drink.
Anyway, had a horrible weekend. Confronted my past. Did it with Vodka. Should have felt good about it. But, afterwards, I called everyone and told them I did it. Of course I was so drunk that they were not impressed and frankly I don’t even know what I said to them. Hard to convince people you were trying to take care of yourself when you are loaded. And now I feel guilty, stupid and any other adjective you or I can think of.
I think the worst part about not drinking is the depression. If I felt the least bit worthy of something, and didn’t care what others thought, I think I could lick this. But I hate sitting at home alone and thinking and thinking and wallowing in self pity, and trying to justify why others are wrong and how they ruined me. Its me. I did this to myself. I need to take responsibility.
How can I know this and still do the crap that I do. How can my mind tell me that I’m being a jerk, and then the next minute convince myself to go right back to where I was. How come I can’t concentrate on anything. Music, Work, Reading. How come I can’t go out in public without worrying about running into people. How How how. Do I do this. When I quit drinking my mind goes even more insane.
I’m not an uneducated person. For goodness sake. What the hell is wrong with me. Some of you all did it. I need to find a piece of me worth saving.
I don’t think there is one. I want to take care of myself without feeling guilty or worrying about what others think. I don’t want to feel like I have to fit in (i.e. AA). I just want to take care of myself. Without worrying about what others think
Sorry, I haven’t posted on here in a while and its always the same old Sh# T.
Thanks for listening. AGAIN.
I’m sad. I never drank Vodka before, well not like I did. I killed a pretty big bottle. I’m so stupid.August 14, 2012 at 2:31 pm#106635AnonymousInactive
Welcome back… glad you are here today.
Sorry to hear you relapsed. Don’t view it as a fall, rather look at for what it is, a mistake and a chance to start over.
I am glad you are hear. Keep posting, you will succeed. I believe in you.
Peace, LeviAugust 14, 2012 at 2:33 pm#106641AnonymousInactive
Welcome back. We haven’t met. I’m Paul. That means I’m not listening AGAIN. I’m listening for the first time.
Active alcoholism is sh!t. I remember it well. But being sober is not entirely the “white” to active alcoholism’s “black”, certainly not at first. That’s why we keep it simple. I don’t pick up that first drink, one day at a time. Then w can see what we shall see.
Just for today, don’t drink. Make that your mantra. And don’t rule out AA.August 14, 2012 at 2:33 pm#106618AnonymousInactive
Beeeeee gentle with yourself. You are loved!!August 14, 2012 at 2:34 pm#106622AnonymousInactive
OnceNice, it won’t hurt to look into the different self help methods offered both off and online, it’s not weakness, it’s just doing yourself a favor. 😉
Also, have you talked to a dr about your depressed feelings, that might be a starting point.
Good luck :hug:
MarteAugust 14, 2012 at 2:38 pm#106628AnonymousInactive
Thanks everyone. I have to try harder.August 14, 2012 at 2:41 pm#106629AnonymousInactive
I’ve been seeing psychologist and shrinks for years. I just can’t seem to get the root of my problem figured out. The biggest thing is worrying about what other people think. My family is so huge and so “perfect” So they think.
They are really nice people, but too nice for me I guess. I just don’t fit.
Something is stopping me from letting all this stuff sink in. At first I thought it was the alcohol. Then when I quit drinking, my mind is even worse.
I don’t know. I just have to figure out why I truly hate myself so much. I don’t want to do anything. Which is so stupid. Life should be made for living. I’m wasting it.August 14, 2012 at 2:49 pm#106617AnonymousInactive
I’m glad you’re back.
It takes time to accept the fact that we are worthwhile. I had years of believing I was inferior to overcome before I could start to accept that I was a good person. It won’t happen overnight just because you stop drinking. I think you may feel like your depression worsened when you stopped drinking because you were beginning to face your emotions. Facing the feelings that we’ve been medicating away, is part of the process of recovery. It’s really hard to look at yourself in the clear, sober light, but it has to be done in order to move forward.
Hang in there and you’ll begin to feel better.August 14, 2012 at 2:56 pm#106630AnonymousInactive
Well, Anna, I think you hit the nail on the head. With all my self medicating. Maybe I don’t want to know why I”m like this. I am 40 years old now. Maybe I’m too afraid to change. My biggest fear is that I’m going to find out that I’ve been hurting myself all of these years for nothing. I know that sounds stupid, but its like going to the doctor for a pain, and they can’t find out what’s wrong and you get mad because you wish they founds something, but should be glad cause they didn’t. Does that make any sense to anyone.
What if I find out that I”m just a drunk because I’m just a drunk. Nothing more. Just a plain ole alcholic with no self control when it comes to that one darn particular thing.August 14, 2012 at 3:01 pm#106636AnonymousInactive
I do not believe anyone is just a plain ole alcoholic… we were each born with gifts, feelings and worthiness… it is through our experiences that we have been corrupted and walked a stray.
You are worthwhile and with reflection you will rediscover the many gifts that you have to share with the world. Please look deep into your forgotten dreams and memories and rediscover who you are and share that person with yourself and the world.
For me I was a born lawyer, I knew it from grade 10. I fell into addiction during my early teens and carried on with it until I was 22. I got an impaired. I sobered up and quit drugs. I became a lawyer, my gift was realized.
I lost that gift after realizing it, sobered up and am once again able to share the gift.
It is not the successes that we have realized that define us, rather it is our facing and overcoming of our challenges that does.
Peace, Levi.August 14, 2012 at 3:11 pm#106642AnonymousInactive
Someone who posts here has this great sig line:
To get anywhere we have to start from here
I used to get constantly overwhelmed with all the things I had done, or had failed to do, or all the bad thoughts I had had or the malicious intent or whatever. I used to get overwhelmed with the notion that I had so much to DO just to repair me sufficiently so that I would be “like” other people. I used to get those feelings of “is this it? Is this ALL that I am?” I too did the psychotherapeutic route, and the philsophical route and umpteen other routes to – all, so I imgined, to get to the “root” of my problem. And I have to tell you, for me it’s all so much BS. We start from here. All of us. We start from here, with these imperfections and we live life forward. And the moment I fully accepted this was when I read the words “we live life forward but understand it backwards”. We don’t have to undo the damage of the past to be able to live. We live, and in so doing we undo the damage, imperfectly and as best we can.
Todays a new day. Live it forward. One day at a time.August 14, 2012 at 3:15 pm#106631AnonymousInactive
I just want to feel good about myself. Sometimes when I start to. I get a really weird feeling like I shouldn’t cause something is going to happen. You know, it usually does. Well, I got to not drink. I know that is my biggest problem. I use to tell myself, to just work on that one thing and the rest will fall into place. But it wasn’t. I guess I wanted a quick fix ya know. Well, I’m gonna try AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. I’ll have to get it right sometime. Right?August 14, 2012 at 3:26 pm#106643AnonymousInactive
Right!August 14, 2012 at 8:17 pm#106615AnonymousInactive
It’s good to see you here!…:cheer
Blessings and HugsAugust 14, 2012 at 9:16 pm#106621AnonymousInactiveOnceNice wrote:What if I find out that I”m just a drunk because I’m just a drunk. Nothing more. Just a plain ole alcholic with no self control when it comes to that one darn particular thing.
Funny, when I turned 40 that’s exactly what I did find out. And then I found out I could be a whole lot more sober than I was ever was (or ever was going to be) drunk. And still I find out more each day and none of it has anything to do with drinking but all of it has everything to do with not drinking.
Nothing wrong with being a plain ole sober alcoholic as a starting point. We all gotta start somewhere.
One Love, One Heart,
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.