- This topic has 14 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.
- September 4, 2013 at 3:29 pm#30897AnonymousInactive
I posed this in the Friends and Family Section, but I would love to have the alcholic’s take on it as well. Well, it happened and it took me by real surprise. After 3 months of him being sober and the most loving, kind, wonderful husband in the world, who I was falling in love with all over again, he drank! We were away for a very long weekend at our place upstate, taking long walks, sitting by the fire, etc. Beautiful time. I was sitting there thinking, now this is how I expected my life to be and thanked God that it was turning out all good. Well, Saturday we go to Walmart and he buys, against my wishes, a 12 pack of O’Douls. He cracked one open in the car and drank it. I told him that while I leave his recovery to him, from what I’ve learned is non-alcoholic beer is for NON-ALCOHOLICS. Then the can said 0.5% alcohol by volume. He said it would take 20 beers to equal one real beer. I butted out. Anyway, he had like 4 of them, and it could kind of see an attitude change (no, it wasn’t in my head). He was getting angy over things that he would not get angry about sober. Fast forward to Sunday. We get invited to a party, where plenty of people would be drinking. AH wanted us to go, I told him I didn’t feel like it, but he insisted, so we went (I know, I know, he was itching to drink). I told him that if at anytime he felt uncomfortable, to let me know and we would leave. Now when AH is sober (and mind you, he was at one time for over 14 years), if we go to social functions where there’s a bunch of drunks, AH always leaves after like 2 hours. This time, everyone was drinking, and AH gave me a few beers while he drank his O’Douls (yeah, right). Anyway, he kept going out of my sight, and he was acting like he was drinking. We also stayed at that party till 2 a.m., which is not like either of us. I know his plan was that if I had a few beers, I couldn’t tell if he was drunk. Then when we left the party, he wanted to go to the store and get me more beer, to which I told him I didn’t want anymore. Anyway, he passed out on the couch, I got p*ssed and we were arguing all night, to the point that he would threaten that he was leaving me there, he’d leave, be gone an hour, come back, this went on for over 2 1/2 hours. Finally, he left FOR REAL!!! And he left me stranded upstate. He came back last night, drunk as a skunk to get me (3 hours away from our house), I inisted on driving home, and he did let me. Today he was all apologetic this morning, saying this would never happen again. My gut tells me he’s going to be drunk again tonight. Says of course, it’s my fault, I accused him of drinking so he did (quack, quack, quack). I said he called me a **** and I retailiated with I was going to go screw this guy (that he’s jealous of) that is our neighbor at our place upstate, but did I???? And when I told him he wasted all that money on rehab, he said my Macy’s bill made him drink – what about all that money I spent in Macy’s (a bill which I pay out of my own spend money!!!). I don’t like who I was Sunday night and last night and I really think when it comes down to it that I want a “normal, healthy relationship” instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. And if you decide to stay with an A, that’s how your life will always be. I kinda lost sight of that cause when he stopped the 1st time many years ago, he never relapsed for over 14 years. Thanks for listening to the vent, and any and all comments are welcome and appreciated. Thanks all of you.
TerriSeptember 4, 2013 at 3:42 pm#159581AnonymousInactive
Terri I wish I could say something that could be of great encouragement, I can’t, this is all in his hands, was he going to meetings this time like he did the first time? Did he have a sponsor? You know these are questions I wish I was asking him.September 4, 2013 at 4:06 pm#159584AnonymousInactive
I want to thank you for this post. As of yesterday, I am an AH with 17 years continuous sobriety. It’s amazing how in many ways I can relate to your husband. A few times over the last few years I’ve thought of drinking maybe a beer or two now and then (yes, maybe start with the .5% stuff then work my way up). Each time I’ve checked in with my wife and she reminds me what I used to be like. This nips it in the bud.
I feel for you because you had a sober husband for so long. I think in my case it’s boredom that makes me want to try it again. Kind of like the old Peggy Lee song “Is that all there is”….i.e….am I *really* going to have to die a sober alcoholic )-: I really hope your AH comes to his senses and that you are able to hang in there. This disease is so cunning and baffling. Take care MikeSeptember 4, 2013 at 5:53 pm#159585AnonymousInactive
I feel for you, I really do.
Truth is, when an alcoholic decides to drink there is simply no human power that can stop him. Thats the way I was.
I can only hope that he realizes what he is doing and seeks help.
My better half has called my sponsor when I have relapsed, now thats effective!
Wishing you the best,
TedSeptember 4, 2013 at 6:14 pm#159576AnonymousInactive
There is a sneaky little addiction to the drama of it all for us alcoholics. I am not sure how this helps but I was sober for a long time in the meetings in upstate NY, so I know it can be done.
Unfortunately, it takes what it takes.
And you have to look out for you…
JhanaSeptember 4, 2013 at 6:17 pm#159579AnonymousInactive
He called me this afternoon to make sure I was OK and to again tell me he was sorry and he’s mad and disappointed in himself. I truly think that is a crock. He also told me he is going to his meeting tonite and will be home about 9:00 (meeting starts at 7:15). Yeah, right, I know where he’s going – he’s going to play golf with the boys and get drunk, then come home and pretend he went to a meeting. How stupid does he think I am?? He had told me over the weekend that he wasn’t going to his meeting Tuesday night, he was playing golf. He probably thinks I forgot.September 4, 2013 at 6:46 pm#159587AnonymousInactive
Queenteree, have you gotten yourself to Alanon yet?
I have a lot of empathy for your situation, having been married to an alcoholic.
In fact, I think Jhana hit it on the head by identifying the drama component. Yikes. My ex couldn’t stand it if things were going smoothly and had to stir up trouble. But obviously I found it necessary to divorce him. Wish it hadn’t been necessary; would’ve been our 40th anniversary a couple of weeks ago. And it appears your situation is different, as there have been substantial periods of sobriety. The one thing I wonder about my former husband is whether he found sobriety.
Blessings from the Snowgoose.September 4, 2013 at 8:28 pm#159578AnonymousInactive
I am sorry you had to go through this. Sounds like its time to refocus your lens back onto the things and people you can change, before you exhaust yourself.
One day at a time, for YOU. Don’t think of the entiire future today. Just do what you need to take very good care of YOU for today. Turn him over. Again, and again.
Blessings to you.September 5, 2013 at 12:44 am#159589AnonymousInactive
I can relate a 100%. This is how my wife regards me. She loves me more than I could ever have wished for, but – the only **** BUT is that I am drinking. When I am with her I can keep my liquor though (usually).
My only advice is to repeat what everyone has already said and alrady know. There is some other problem which make people drink. I, for example, I am pissed because I cannot be with my wife, who in addition had cancer, and I am pissed that my professional role sucks, and I could go on like that.
You have to find a value in life. I found one the other weekend when I was sitting and reading on a beautiful Saturday morning drinking a really good cappuccino on a streetside cafe in Mexico City. These flashes just happen.
You need the “natural” stimuli of life overpower that of alcohol, so you realize that when you drink, you LOSE something. But the moment you start drinking (also because you get resistent) it is too late. The is the very single point of truth for alcoholics, IMHO.September 5, 2013 at 1:28 am#159586AnonymousInactive
There is a great chapter in the Big Book called “To The Wives”.September 5, 2013 at 2:28 pm#159582AnonymousInactive
But sometimes you must start life anew. We know women who have done it. If such women adopt a spiritual way of life their road will be smoother.
This is a quote from the chapter in the BB titled “To the Wifes” A simple sentence all on its own tied to no paragraph, the Experience, strength and hope to help make and support this decision or other ones can be found in Alanon.September 5, 2013 at 3:42 pm#159580AnonymousInactive
Just as I thought, last night after coming home from his AA meeting (he brought home his 90 day chip!!!!) he reeked of beer and was slurring his words. He wasn’t drinking though and I was smelling Red Bull on him (according to him). Then we went thru the “sell the house” “I’ll sleep upstairs” “I’m not even gonna get mad” and following me from room to room. He is nasty and all about him (he was not this way sober) and he is lying. He called me today to tell me he’s going to be late coming home tonite cause he’s stopping to get his hunting license (along with some beers for the ride probably). That’s a good combo, a drunk (sorry A’s, I”m upset) with a hunting license and gun. I’m probably going to leave him, can’t take another day of this, there really is no hope, is there?September 5, 2013 at 4:24 pm#159583AnonymousInactive
queenteree is there hope? I know there is, but it all lies in his hands. I wish I could tell you to do this or do that and he will recover, but I can’t. He has to want to recover more then he wants to drink.
You need to watch out for your self, if you feel that you are tied to a sinking ship then the best thing for you may be to cut the rope and let the ship sink with out you going down with it, only you can determine what you need to do. I would highly reccommend you start going to Alanon meetings, there are folks there that have been through where you are at now that will be happy to help you through these trying times. Why go it alone? You are reaching out here, why not reach out face to face?September 6, 2013 at 6:08 am#159577AnonymousInactive
I agree with Taz, you need to watch out for yourself. This may or may not be a train wreck about to happen, but I think the risks are too great for you to hang out and find out. there be danger here.
I am an alcoholic, and can certainly understand many of your AH behaviors because I have exhibited them in the past too.
There is so much work that your AH has to do. And stopping drinking is only half of it. The thinking is so out of whack, and will remain out of whack even when the drinking stops if he does not take the time he needs to learn a new way to live. He has a long road ahead it seems.September 6, 2013 at 1:42 pm#159588AnonymousInactive
@AndrewBeen 1476258 wrote:
queenteree, I agree with Taz, you need to watch out for yourself. [snip] ….There is so much work that your AH has to do. And stopping drinking is only half of it. The thinking is so out of whack, and will remain out of whack even when the drinking stops if he does not take the time he needs to learn a new way to live. He has a long road ahead it seems.
At the time I stopped drinking, I was living alone, so this did not apply to my situation, but I certainly heard that the alcoholic is not alone in his or her recovery, and that it is recommended that those close also recover via Alanon. And I knew Alanon because I’d had a relationship with a man who was in recovery who demanded that I go to Alanon when we hit rocky times.
Andrew is so right in the above quote; I’d just add my two cents worth by recommending both AA Big Book reading and Alanon for you. There is work and change ahead for both of you.
Hugs from the Snowgoose.
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