- This topic has 25 replies, 23 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 4 months ago by Anonymous.
- September 3, 2013 at 4:23 am#30886AnonymousInactive
What made you seek help? go to AA?
I wonder if you could give a brief paragraph of what your bottom was. I really need help to understand. I feel like i have hit mine, but I feel somehow shallow in comparison. I am just curious…your bottom came when…September 3, 2013 at 4:29 am#159307AnonymousInactive
Everyones bottom is different. The circumstances that drove me to AA could be vastly worse or far less than what you’ve experienced. It’s not about what happens to you though, it’s about how you feel. I mean, you can’t say “Bottom is when you lose X wifes, Y cars, and Z houses. Oh, and go to jail W times”
That said, AA was for me, the last house on the block. I tried everything I could think of. Nothing worked. I couldn’t drink (because of the trouble I’d get into) , and I couldn’t not drink (Because of withdraw, and because I just couldn’t leave it alone even if I made it through WD) I really wanted to stop, but I couldn’t.
It took a pretty severe (for me) kick in the ass for me to swallow my pride and walk in those doors. And, by the Grace of God, I listened to what they said, and followed their suggestions. Following advice is a miracle in of itself, I NEVER took anyones advice prior to that.September 3, 2013 at 4:39 am#159320AnonymousInactive
@adobe69 1473264 wrote:
What made you seek help? go to AA?
I wonder if you could give a brief paragraph of what your bottom was. I really need help to understand. I feel like i have hit mine, but I feel somehow shallow in comparison. I am just curious…your bottom came when…
Everyone’s bottom is different. What matters the most is what you feel. If you feel you are at the bottom then that is what is important. I have met people whose bottom was living under bridges and I have also met people who at their bottom still owned million dollar homes.
For me when I hit my bottom, I was still making over $30/hour. Setting my own work schedule. Lived in a nice home. Drove a nice vehicle. Still had all the “look good” going on. But on the inside I was a disaster. I was scared, hurt, angry, anxious, fearful, never felt good enough, felt like an actor even when around the people closest to me, and so many other things that I could not even begin to list here. I knew that drinking was killing everyone around me and making things worse but I did not know how to live life without it.
Well, that is my 2 cents worth.September 3, 2013 at 5:27 am#159301AnonymousInactive
u reach your bottom when u stop digging!! you dont have to let it get that bad before u stop! some of us need that, but there are also many high bottom drunks too!! my sponsor got sober at 15 and is now 34!! so far she has not relapsed!!September 3, 2013 at 6:46 am#159312AnonymousInactive
I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, literally. I still had all the “stuff” IE. House, cars, my business, it was still there on the day I stopped. I had it all, except me, I had lost myself! I was sitting on the edge of the diving board of our backyard pool and my live in girlfriend was out on a date. It wasn’t that she was so fed up with me that she was openly dating that made me so despondent, it WAS THAT I UNDERSTOOD WHY SHE WAS AND I DIDN”T BLAME HER!
I finished my bottle of Canadian Club that night and went to AA the next day that was 8 years ago. I still have a friendship with the lady and most importantly I like who I shave in the morning.
JonSeptember 3, 2013 at 8:16 am#159317AnonymousInactive
That is an awesome post Jfanagle…September 3, 2013 at 9:14 am#159316AnonymousInactive
Thats interesting jfangle. There was a time when I felt I had lost myself. I sort of didn’t really appreciate how bad it was until I sobered up and I sort of felt I was disappearing, sort of ceasing to exist. Like my soul was dying and my body just a shell. The realisation at that time wasn’t the horror of what I was doing to anyone else but the horror of what I was doing to myself. I say ‘horror’ because at the time it seemed very profound and I’m not putting it very well here. I realised I wasn’t valuing myself or taking care/looking after myself. Of course you’ve got to really bother with yourself before you can bother with anyone else properly. That was some years ago and I’ve drank since then and stopped again, sort of some steps forward and some steps back, but I’m so much better now that I realised what I was doing. Its been a slow but gradual improvement since then.September 3, 2013 at 1:19 pm#159296AnonymousInactive
My long term depression is why I began AA.
This is not true for everyone…however…:)
By 3 months of abstinance ..depression had vanished.
No med’s necessary and it has not returned in 18+ years.
BlessingsSeptember 3, 2013 at 7:19 pm#159311AnonymousInactive
The idea of a “bottom” can be harmful, I think, at least if we keep drinking to see when it happens. It’s amazing how much humiliation and pain we can put ourselves through before we decide *this* is the bottom.
My own life had gotten better as I struggled to stay sober, and I was staying sober enough to hold down a good job, stay in a relationship, and even own a house, all things I had been unable to do while drinking heavily. But I was still struggling, and struggling alone, with the obsession to drink, the guilt when I gave in, and so on. So one sorry drunk morning I said “this would be a lot easier if I just talked to some other people about it.” That was my magic moment–more of a “duh” moment than a horrible bottom. It’s been much, much better ever since.September 3, 2013 at 7:25 pm#159308AnonymousInactive
Your bottom is truly an ‘inside’ job.
It matters not what you posess, what you don’t posess.
It’s how you feel, deep inside.
Me, I just couldn’t live that way anymore. I hated the way I was. I hated being drunk. Problem was I couldn’t stop, and I hated that too…
So I asked for help, and that has made all the difference.
TedSeptember 4, 2013 at 12:29 am#159315AnonymousInactive
Some interesting responses here. I had learned to drink when married to an alcoholic (I didn’t know that was what it was until later) who would call me a candyass if I wouldn’t drink with him. He was mentally and physically abusive and an attorney so doubly difficult to deal with. (Could and would turn around and make everything my fault, then seemed to have the wherewithal to make it stick, being connected in the legal community.)
Thus I discovered that alcohol would make my pain go away. In retrospect, I had been suffering from anxiety since teenage years. I did escape from the marriage and didn’t have to keep drinking, did I? But became a nearly-daily closet drinker since neither bar drinking nor drinking and driving suited my style. This went on for years.
I had the proverbial house and two cars in the driveway when I began to notice that I was asking my coworker whether he could smell booze on me from the night before. And a radio station where I had worked had an AA Public Service Announcement on which an actress said “…and I was losing my looks”, in describing her fall from grace with alcohol. I looked in the mirror and realized that the reason I was plastering makeup over my normally peaches-and-cream complexion, was exactly that.
Also, I was no longer learning new things, looking forward to and enjoying life. I had failed at the typical alcoholic control devices like banning hard liquor and sticking to beer. I began to know that I had a scary secret problem. There was a lot of disgraceful behavior that was possible for an alcoholic that I really really did not want to experience. So there were no blackouts, no sexual misbehaviors and no arrests. Some call that kind of statement your “not yets”. Nope, don’t and didn’t want to go there. Scared enough. Disappearing into the bottle. Couldn’t put down the bottle by myself and knew it.
Was scared to go to AA but knew the program via Alanon and loved it, finally did it and haven’t had to live in that abyss since, One Day at a Time. They called me a high bottom drunk but I’ve had such a typical recovery in so many ways that I don’t even think that. I’m one more person who got lucky before the classic bottom of skid row or jail.
Thanks for asking.
Snowgoose.September 4, 2013 at 12:47 am#159299AnonymousInactive
Welcome to the forum, adobe. Thanks for starting this useful thread.
There’s been some incredible replies here.
I tend to agree with people who say a “bottom” is a personal thing. We all know that alcoholism is progressive. That means the “bottom” will just keep getting lower and lower as long as we drink.
We know alcoholism can end 3 ways:
2) Institutions (jail, hospitials, long term care etc….)
I chose #3 when I hurt enough. I believe if I didn’t stop, I would eventualy come to #1 or #2.
Which one do you want to do?
My “bottom” came when I realized that I didn’t want to go any lower. I felt hopeless. I still can go lower, if I drink again, but I don’t want to. This was when I found the willingness to change.
By joining AA and finding a power greater than myself, my alcoholism is in remission. I hope you can find answers that work for you.
chipSeptember 4, 2013 at 2:34 am#159298AnonymousInactive
Thats the reality of alcohol, we dont ever think about hitting the bottom, until we realize ..wow how did I get here!
Praying in overtime,
one day at a time.September 4, 2013 at 3:54 am#159302AnonymousInactive
My bottom in a paragraph… Hmmmm…
Many years of steady decline followed by about two or three months of being locked in a death spiral as I progressed into the late stage. The decline wasn’t so much in terms of physical, or “wordly” terms. Rather it was in terms of my drinking habits and their consequences — a steady progression of more and more often, along with increased craving issues. The death spiral included personality disintegration, drawing away from God, forgetting that I am primarily a spiritual being, suicidal thoughts and tendancies, fatalism, having no choice about my drinking, knowing that something was very, very wrong but NOT CARING ABOUT IT. Towards the end there, I was hitting the pubs almost every night — at least four times a week. Each day, on my way home from work, I was faced with either wanting to go home to sleep because I was still hungover, or else that terrible white-knuckling as I deliberated whether or not to “stop off for just a few”, (which was another lie — I knew that if I did stop at the bar(s) that I’d be at it all night). Much earlier in my drinking career, it was unthinkable for me to go out again before I had recovered from the last hangover. At the end of my drinking career, it was merely a matter of whether or not I had physically recovered enough to be conscious. Things culminated with two alcohol-related arrests over the span of about a week’s time, (it was almost three — the “almost” one would have included two motor vehicle felony charges)… (I take that back, it was almost four arrests total over the span of about a month)… God’s Grace alone kept it down to only two arrests.
(Sorry, I’m breaking the “single paragraph” rule)…
So there I am, sitting in the holding cell… AGAIN… after having been there only a week earlier. I have no one to call who would help except for my boss… AGAIN… A lot of the shame I felt centered around that, and how worthless me had put him through all that horrible and ugly trouble… AGAIN… So I’m sitting there, feeling all the anguish you can imagine.
I was taught to always PRAY… If things are going good, PRAY, give thanks and ask forgiveness… If things are going bad, PRAY, give thanks, ask for forgivenenss and ask for help… This is what I was taught… So I did… AGAIN…
Time slowed down… Things went dark… I saw/felt myself and where my life had gotten to… I saw/felt how utterly wretched I was and how abhorant and worthless I had become… I’m not sure how else to describe it other than “saw/felt” — it came as a sort of gestalt… Then a voice came into my head and asked me, “Are you finally done drawing away from Me?” and then it waited… and waited… and waited some more… I had no where else to go… I had nothing else to do… An insincere response would be unacceptable and I knew it… I knew I had to actually FEEL what I was saying, actually MEAN it, to at least to the extent of SOME small miniscule iota of sincerity. So I tried, I actually TRIED HARD to actually MEAN the response I was about to give… I said “Yes Lord. Please forgive my pride, my ego. Please forgive the way I have squandered Your gifts. Please forgive me. Please help me. Thank You for not abandoning me”.
Time returned to normal. I began breathing again.
I hit my bottom in that holding cell during the early morning of Friday, June 30th, 2006.
I made bail with the help of my boss and closest co-worker. We went to lunch, then I went to bed. Later that night after I awoke, I prayed some more asking for the strength to do what I needed. I thought about my life. I thought about my alcohol use and the effect it had on me and my life. I thought about how alcohol had taken me to the point where suicide seemed like a viable choice — unthinkable for someone like me. I thought about how I had been drawing away from God. I thought about a lot of things during those hours that night.
I thought about a lot of things that night… At some point, thanks to God’s Grace alone, I found myself on the other side of my denial. In my heart I believe I did the first Step that night, in my own way. I think at some point I may have cried for the first time in a long time. At some point I felt at least a little bit of a sense of acceptance of my situation — my disease — and of acceptance of myself.
In a near-panic, I started searching the web. I found an AA group in my area and there was a men’s meeting the following morning (Saturday) at 9:00am. I made a resolve to be there.
It was a start, but it wasn’t enough. I remember thinking, “…tomorrow morning is a long way away… I also need something to help me tonight, right now…” I prayed and kept searching. I found 12 Step National Meetings and joined.
Here is my first post, made that very night…
Sorry for the lengthy post, everybody. Thank you for listening and for letting me share. It helps for me to be reminded.September 4, 2013 at 4:34 am#159300AnonymousInactive
I wish I were in a position to talk about my ‘bottom’, because I haven’t the faintest idea if I’ve got there yet. But I feel pretty **** right now.
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