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- December 1, 2015 at 3:04 pm#38038AnonymousInactive
I visited a friend yesterday at her lakehouse. It is such a beautiful house and it’s right on the lake. It is my dream house.
She was talking about how they like to sit out on the patio at night and just talk and look at the lake. Immediately, my mind went to doing that while drinking beer. Then she talked about some great restaruants on the lake that they drive their boat to. I imagined doing that while drinking beer too.
Those thoughts of “I can’t have fun without alcohol” and “maybe when I’m no longer pregnant, I can figure out a way to only drink for special events” started coming back.
What’s interesting is that a couple months ago I would have entertained those thoughts of drinking much longer… But this time, almost immediately as I began to think those thoughts of drinking, I began to think it through.
I looked at my friend and I thought I’m sure she doesn’t get drunk if she does drink. If I lived here and took it as natural to drink every time I was relaxing, I’d be drunk every single day. I’d probably drink sun up to sun down. I’d embarrass myself. I’d hate myself.
Then I thought about the times I did drink at her house in the past. She threw me a wedding shower. The thought of how much I drank now makes me shudder with embarrassment. I’m sure no one drank as much as me… I’m sure I didn’t thank her as much as I should have either.
Then I thought about how if I ever drink even one beer, I’ll drink 13. I’ll wake up the next day feeling so guilty, so ashamed, and hungover… I remember perfectly how bad that felt.
And I thought how I’d feel if I did the things she described… sitting on the porch and talking, going to a lake restaruant… without drinking… maybe it wouldn’t be as much fun… but I’d wake up the next day and have nothing to feel ashamed about. I would remember everything. I could feel REAL happiness and REAL relaxation living a life on the lake.
It’s a shame I have a problem with drinking. But I shouldn’t let my mind fester on that. Instead, I need to never let myself forget the reasons I can’t drink. And I need to remind myself that being sober is not as bad as this alcoholic voice keeps telling me it is.
I think it helps me to force myself to imagine doing things sober that the alcoholic voice tells me I cannot do without drinking… imagine it right through to the next day when I wake up and am not hungover or ashamed.
Thing is: My alcoholic voice is always telling me things won’t be fun without drinking. But then I do them sober and it’s really not as awful being sober as I had thought. Heck, sometimes I even have alot of fun. Every experience I have where I prove the alcoholic voice wrong and have fun without beer allows me to imagine other situations where I can have fun sober.
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