Search for Addiction Treatment Centers Near You Forums Substance Abuse When doing the next right thing hurts

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  • #30944
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Guys and Gals,

    The other day I did something that has been very uncharacteristic of me in the past. I am clean 25 year old male heroin addict and worked with a 20 year old girl. We fell in love and got very close, but she was using hard drugs recreationly (coke & heroin) with her friends, but would not use them around me. I know, not a good situation but beside the point. I tried very hard to share me own experience with her so that she could see where the drug use was headed, and it created a divide between us. She went back to seeing her old boyfriend and heroin supplier, and we continued to see each other for a bit longer. I saw her changing in little ways and the use getting worse. I finally could not let her keep doing this to herself without intervening. I loved and cared for her to much to let it continue. I set up an intervention with her step-father, who raised her. He believed us until she somehow passed her drug test, and lied lied lied. I know she is shooing heroin, I saw the small scar that was the exact same as mine at her elbow joint, I don’t know what to do and she now hates me with a passion. All I ever wanted was for her to be safe and not go where i had been and she was headed, I didn’t want it for her, and just could not stand by. I hurts so bad to be in love with someone who feels like you betrayed them and now hates you. This is an ugly disease that just causes pain and I hate it. What can I do, do you think she will ever want to even talk to me again. What can I do now?

    -anonymous

    #160170
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Pray for her is all you can do. Maybe one day she’ll get clean and be forever grateful for what you did…..

    #160164
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    She doesn’t hate you. That is the drug talking. My daughter is also a heroin addict and I had to get past the hatred that came out of her mouth at times toward me. I had to accept that as long as she is not in recovery she will do and say things that may hurt me. I agree with Connie. Pray for her but let her find her own bottom. That is all you can do for now. Hugs, Marle

    #160171
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I am a recovering heroin addict….I just celebrated 10 yrs clean & sober! It took many attempts before it “stuck” and I became willing to do whatever it took!!! There is hope, as long as she’s breathing.

    #160172
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I agree with the ladies, haroin is a nasty nasty vindictive drug and will make the cutest old lady turn into the vilest of creatures. Be a friend, to both yourself and her by staying in your program. She may come back, who knows who cares the onlyone who should be put first is you in your program……One thing I have learned in my program is you can’t save everyone all of the time, especially when we have a hard enough time saving ourselves….. Turn to her step father if you wish and tell him why you believe the way you do and tell him you can not do anything more. She may get a clear head long enough to realize that you were right. Good luck and stay strong for you!

    #160157
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    sometimes you just have to let em go. it sucks but you’re probably much better off.

    25 = young

    #160174
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Its very hard to let go and let her find her bottom, I have had at least 8 friends die of this disease, and this one has hit me hard. I know that before she has a moment of clarity, that she could die. I cannot seem to let go of that. I know that it takes what it takes, and took a couple years in and out for me to really surrender. She is just so young, to young, and no matter what i said or experiences i shared with her, she would not grasp the reality or gravity of the situation, she says “nothing is gonna happen,” and I know those cant often be famous last words. I am powerless, and it sucks, cause it hurts really bad, and on top of it she got fired from the job, and I don’t ever see her and the not knowing kills me also. So much pain caused by this disease. I am really beginning to understand how my parents felt about me.

    #160158
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I don’t go for all the disease and religious stuff but I do know that sometimes some people are beyond help. Do what you can but don’t let it drive you nuts. Don’t “save” her to save the relationship. I’m hoping she’ll come to her senses. I’m hoping you’ll find relief.

    I ain’t no religious man but I’ll wish you luck. Good luck with it !

    #160175
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I didn’t do it to save the relationship, it did it to save her life, knowing that my actions would completely ruin the relationship. I decided that i would rather have her hating me and being sober than loving me and continuing to shoot heroin. It was a very hard choice because we had many intimate moments when she was not using that were very special and i miss those now. When we first met she absolutely glowed and we had with intense connection. She started to fade and thats when I made the deciscion to try and get her some help, but it didn’t work out. Now there is almost no chance for us to get back together, and a slim one that she will get sober any time soon. IT BLOWS THE BIG ONE. Powerlessness!!!!!!

    #160160
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Unfortunately, it seems that no good deed goes unpunished . . . .

    You did the right thing. Now that is real love to do that, knowing that the consequences might be unfavorable for you.

    The fact is that you are not dealing with a mature, mentally / spiritually healthy individual. You can’t expect someone like that to act right. One unhealthy person + one healthy person = one unhealthy relationship. Two unhealthy people = one unhealthy relationship. Any way you do the math, the outcome is the same . . .

    Buzz

    #160161
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Windy,

    One of my thread about connections got lost, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing what you said about your brother. I intended to say that before it vanished.

    I really appreciate you here!

    (And my apologies to the O.P. for being off-topic)

    Buzz

    #160168
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Sorry to hear about your friend. Yet, your experience proves once again that an addict can be counseled, prayed over, threatened, beaten, etc… and they won’t stop using until they’re ready to stop. I know no one could stop me no matter how much they claimed to love me, shared with me what happened to them, or offered any kind of benefit. In the time I’ve been clean, I’ve learned that the only addicts I can help find recovery are the ones who ask for my help – not the ones I know need help or the ones I think should have it. Just as I had a reach a “bottom” in order to become willing to do something different, I have to accept that others generally have to go through the same process. Otherwise…to intervene is to set myself up for disappointment, resentment and pain.

    Which brings me to this…Knowing it wasn’t a good situation to get involved in from the start, why did you? You say you’re a heroin addict, and you speak as if you’ve been clean for a while. If so, you may already be aware that the deck is stacked against those who are actively using and trying to “save” a using addict is almost impossible. Ever heard the phrase, “They can get us sick before we can get them well?” I’ve found that it’s important for me to keep my motives clear and my expectations low in order to maintain my sanity, serenity and recovery.

    What can you do? If it were me…I’d be grateful for the opportunity to have tried – knowing I did the best I could – and leave the results to my HP. I’d be grateful for the good times I shared with that person and accept that it wasn’t meant to be -at least not right now. I’d do my best to accept that doing the right thing for the right reason doesn’t always come with a reward. And I’d try to remember in the future that changing people, places and things (essential to staying clean) includes not becoming romantically attached to someone who is using. I’d also pray for her.

    Just my opinion.

    #160156
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    As an addict I resented anyone that tried to interfere with my using.

    She probably feels your motives were a little less than noble.

    Today I understand things a little differently but then I am in recovery. Unless your ex finds recovery it is possible she may resent you for a long time.

    Interventions can be a tricky business and this is one of the risks we run with interventions. I once heard of a man leaving the country because his family intervened and tried to get him to stop drinking.I know you meant well and I am sorry your results were not more positive.

    I think I may have done my (non using) girlfriend a big favour many years ago when I dumped her for trying to get me to stop using……I know she loved me very much and wanted the best for me but I unwittingly spared her many years of suffering and pain from the madness that was to engulf my life as my addiction worsened….

    ….I felt very bad for the way I treated her but the years have shown me how sometimes things work out for the best because when last I heard she was very happy with her husband and family.

    My best suggestion for you is to let her be. Perhaps she will find recovery one day and appreciate what you tried to do for her…..perhaps she won’t. Don’t waste too much time pondering something that is no longer your responsibility and beyond your power…..

    #160173
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I hear a lot of sound advise comming from everyone but still hear you JUSTIFYING why you had to do it for you…..How many times do you use the word you in your conversations about helpping your ex? A very good friend pointed that out once when I would write him letters when it becomes about someone else it is then when our true worth shows up!

    #160176
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    ^^^^What exactly are you saying. I didn’t do it for me, it was for her. I don’t benefit at all. I got involved with her before I even knew she was using, I thought she was a normy who had used some drugs in high school. Anyway, she changed as time slowly and started to lose that glow.

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