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- September 30, 2015 at 11:49 am#37546AnonymousInactive
I am just trying to figure things out in my mind, but I want to get outside opinions and advice, and write it out so here goes…I saw someone talk about this in another thread a while ago, and I know someone replied and said “It doesn’t matter why you became an addict but that you are recovering now” or something. But I think it matters sometimes, for me right now it really matters. I need to understand why I want to get high all the time, I know it has to be something deeper, and i don’t understand. I don’t abuse ritalin to escape reality in the sense of wanting to avoid stress or problems like my sister said most addicts do. It’s not like I get stressed or something happens and I want to get high. If anything, my affair with ritalin and the thing that hasa grasp on me is that it helps me deal and face reality, it makes me more open and able to deal with relationships and stuff, I know its BAD but I can’t deny that one thing is it has helped me fix a lot of relationships and fights etc. I’m not an unhappy person or anything like that, I think mainly I just love ritalin bc it fixe those things and makes me not feel so blah and bored at nights. I look forward to getting home and getting high and having great conversations. Then the comedown is just bad, that is when I take way too much and it’s just terrible. Etc. I want to quit, I know I need too, but it’s hard to think about going through life without that help to be more open and confident, etc. I sometimes take a bit if I am meeting up with someone to have a big talk or etc, or for example, I was too nervous to be open to my nieces adoptive mother til I took ritalin, and I have been mending things now, and if we meet up, it’s so much harder and I feel so much more anxious opening up like I know I will need too if I meet up with her. It takes away that awkward feeling I have about just expressing simple feelings. I know that it’s bad to use it to help me that way, but it’s hard not too. It feels so good to be so open and express myself. BUT anyways, back on original topic. Why do you think, or know you became an addict? What was it about your drug of choice that got you in such a strong grasp, esp at the beginning of your addiction? I really need to figure out what it is for me. I know it must be deeper then voredom. But generally…I just am bored and feel blah in the evenings so I get high so make it more fun. I know it has to be more then that, but I can’t figure it out. Also, obviuosly I don’t KNOW this, it’s just my observations, but it seems like addicts become addicts and use drugs for different reasons, like I don’t think everyone gets addicted because they are trying to HIDE from bad stuff or feelings, I think sometimes ppl get addicted because they start using drugs to 1. Face reality and deal with reality, or 2. I think a lot of people feel ****** about themselves or like something is wrong, like undiagnosed ADHD, etc and start using drugs to try to fix those things, thinking it will make them function and better people but they end up relying on it and it turns into an addiction. Does that make sense? I know I started taking prescriptions in Jan of this yr, I started celexa for anxiety and I couldn’t believe the difference, i wasnt uptight and stuff anymore, it was amazing, so then i started wonder if other drugs could “fix” me and tada i discovered ritalin. Thinking it would just give me energy and make me motivated and focus, I got some, but no, it got me high as a kite and it’s been downhill since then. I just know it must be more then boredom that I am having such an issue with this. I think possibly, maybe I am lonely and that’s why I like it but then I have tons of friends and am outgoing, so I don’t know. All I know is it helps me face and deal with my problems, not hide from them… I don’t have a bad life, I’m not depressed or anything… If you’ve ever thought about it, why did you start using drugs, and why did you end up addicted to the drug you were???
And…this is off topic but I don’t want to start another thread about it, but what do you think it is about that super short high, that somehow seems to make the hellish comedown and the crappy consequences worth it? It’s like my mind knows it’s not worth it but I still do it… I don’t get it at all. Everything is so illogical about this.
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