- This topic has 0 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 11 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.
- September 15, 2008 at 4:00 am#34162AnonymousInactive
Wow!! I haven’t logged on here since my first weekend of acute withdrawal. The breaking the vase and cutting myself?? I HAVE NO MEMORY OF THIS AT ALL. The things I wrote in my last few posts?? ALL NEWS TO ME. I can’t remember A SINGLE THING that happened during that weekend ….
They say that drug addiction will erode your mind. This is definitely true. My memories of my drug using days are very shimmery, fuzzy, and vaguely familiar. It’s like they happened, but in another country, under a different government, with different social customs and expectations.
I have been on Suboxene for 4 1/2 months now. I don’t dare to say that I am “completely better,” because recovery is a journey, as we all know, not a destination.
However, I’m glad that I chose to hop back online after all of this time … it’s something that I haven’t done for forever … not because I don’t love this site and the people on it who have shown such a tremendous amount of support through my struggles, but because I have been busy BEING SO NORMAL!!
Since treatment, I have started exercising regularly (and liking it! like I used to when I was a teenager), dressing nicely everyday, taking workshops and attending lectures in subjects and of topics that interest me, visiting friends out of town, travelling, playing music and getting paid for it … the quality of my life has FLOWN THROUGH THE ROOF … even my friends are now some of the most prosperous people in town!! I have been doing so good it is out of this world!!
I even forget to take my suboxene sometimes!!
Until I read my previous posts, I had COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN how totally miserable my life was … how insane I was … how many problems I had.
Though I am still attending therapy and do not claim to be “cured” or near-perfect, I am loving life now!! I have had so many happy days over the last 4 1/2 months. It feels like a miracle.
My dog isn’t afraid of me anymore!!! She snuggles close to my face every night. My parents love me again. My friends know who I am now – heck, I know who I am now – and I don’t allow myself to get used these days, because I’m aware of how valuable I am and how much I mean to MYSELF (others’ approval is not needed nor necessary).
I just wanted to share my experience with treatment … though I realize that many people are against suboxene, let me just say how recovery went THE FIRST TIME without suboxene or any form of medication (aside from an anti-depressant and anti-psychotic):
– I couldn’t get out of bed
– People called me “the zombie” due to my lack of expression/emotion
– I had absolutely NO FRIENDS and drank by myself in the park on my days off
– I was paranoid and thought that others were out to “get me” in some form or fashion
– I had NO HOBBIES OR INTERESTS outside of drug use and/or drinking
– I experienced NO PLEASURE in any kind of activity that did not involve drug use or drinking
The first time I got clean, I didn’t use any form of “aid” or “crutch.” As a result, I went to NA meetings OBSESSING about drugs, and eventually relapsed. Due to the cravings of my opiate-addicted mind, I was unable to “get out of myself” and form true relationships with other NA members. I was a miserable, emotion-less sociopath, scheming ways to feel more like a real human being. The only moments when I felt any kind of emotion were when I had flashes of a violent temper that subsided back into an anonymous sea of flat affect.
So … this is why I am taking suboxene, because I feel GREAT on it, and I’m able to love and receive love, and I’m not a “zombie.” To me, the benefit is MUCH GREATER than the cost.
We only have one life to live. Choose well, I say!!
I realize that I will be an addict forever. I realize that at any point in time I could go back to being a junkie with a needle sticking out of my arm.
This very truth is what prompts me to take full advantage of this point in my life. It may be the best time in my entire life – the only time that I get to enjoy myself. However, I would PREFER to think of it as the beginning to the rest of my life, which will be EVEN BETTER THAN NOW!!
Why? Because it gives me a reason to keep on living, that’s why!! Also, I think it’s very possible that I could live an extraordinary, amazing life. I already have.
I hope everyone on here is well. Thank you for being there when no one else was!!
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